The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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