So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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