porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
