If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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