I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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