It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
