u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
