You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Damn victory sex feels great
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
