theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Every concussion has its silver lining
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
