Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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