oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
