They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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