Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
