Swine flu. Run for my life!
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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