i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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