You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Randomize
