M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
