On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
