You smell like stripper and shame
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
