Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
