Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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