I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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