I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
