hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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