Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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