how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
