In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize