He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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