I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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