I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
