Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Randomize