An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
