I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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