I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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