i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
