Hey man sorry I got all grabby
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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