Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
