now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
