My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
