I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I need water and some morals
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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