does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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