dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
