they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
