What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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