I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
