peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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