Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
