just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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