I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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