What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Boobs speak an international language.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
