drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
