Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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