At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
