just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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