I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have aggressive nipples.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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