Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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