okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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